Adventures in Zephux

     Well, another week has passed by and still, no decisions have been made. I do, however, have some good news. It appears that the company I co-op with likes me so much that they want to take me on part-time in my off semesters (at my school you co-op ever other semester for two years, adding up to one whole year of work). This means that instead of working in a grocery store or something, I get to keep my cushy and amazing job throughout the other semesters and get to keep cashing those gloriously high paychecks. I asked about that possibility during the interview and they said it was HIGHLY unlikely, they had only done it once, but apparently I have impressed them, because they are trying to work it out (no guarantees yet).

Also, I’m still excited about this coming Tuesday. That is when I finally get to see what my house looks like after they have gotten it all cleaned up. I get to do another walk through, make sure everything is okay, and then sign my lease. I hope it is at the very least satisfactory, if not spectacular. There wasn’t a lot to work with, but as long as all the doors have knobs and there isn’t six feet of water in the cellar (there was last time I visited) then I will be pretty happy, I think. See, I didn’t have a problem making a decision about the house, so why are other life decisions so difficult? I think it’s because I over think them. Sometimes, thinking is a bad thing. I should just throw myself into things more often with my first instinct and see how they go. If I had done that I think I would be much happier with my situation right now and not feeling so trapped by everything. I’m not in a good place.

I’m keeping my spirits up though. I’m going home to see my family for the weekend. My mom just got two new baby kittens, they are long haired and snow white. I have a real soft spot for kittens (I am very much considering getting two for my house. They need a buddy, so two is the only option). Usually, I’m not much of an animal lover, but I can make an exception if they are cute and promise to be cuddly… and for God’s sake, use the litter box.

I guess I have moved along in some of the decisions now. I think I know what I want to do in the majority of the situations. The most important thing is I would like to just drop out of school, quit work, and just vanish for a while. Hop the next train I see and go where it takes me, bringing only my laptop. E-mail will be my only form of communication, can’t escape with a cell phone. Man, do I hate cell phones. However, since all the gloriouness is not going to work out, I will resort to the other changes. I am still reading that “The Case for Faith” book by Lee Strobel, and it is really having an impact. It counters a lot of the concerns I had about religion. I really think that by the finish I could be seeing things differently. I’m only about halfway through now. I will now thank an individual by name (probably the first time ever on my site, I don’t like to mention people’s names, too personal and it’s not your business), thank you, Hannah, this has been very helpful and I’m not even done yet. Good call, I appreciate it.

Isn’t it horrible when you are in the mood to write, but nothing will come out? That is the state I have been in for three days, notice this post was just me rambling. I don’t have anything interesting to say, nor have I really had an original thought in days. My life is becoming too boring and tedious, and just depressing in general. Something big will change soon though, so watch out for it. I hate redundancy.

     My post yesterday tells of how I am constantly confused and can not ever make up my mind in almost any aspect of my life. I am going to further validate that fact by writing, now, about my religion. Let’s start at the beginning, for a very long time, I was a Christian. Of course, as an unquestioning child, it is easier enough to be whatever you are asked to be. My grandparents were Christian and took me to church on the occasional Sunday, therefore I was Christian. But, as I got older I began to go to church less and less. Then, one day, I just stopped all together, but I still believed.

When my dad died (I was 12), I began to go to church every week again. I rode my bike to the church down the street, I went to youth group, I even was a greeter for a while. Granted, this was in Florida, so there were not a lot of people my age around (the average was 60), but I still enjoyed myself. They were nice people and I liked helping out at the church when I was needed. I did this for a while and even got baptized there when I was 14. Now, I’m really not sure what happened. There is no real explanation for it, except that I would question the existence and possibility of the computer sitting right in front of me, but somewhere along the lines, I stopped believing. Maybe it was the fact that there is an infinite amount of space in the Universe and the odds of us being important, nay, let’s go with the slightest bit significant, to whatever higher power may, or may not, be out there was astronomical. I put the same argument to those beliefs as I do to whether or not aliens exist… Of course aliens exist, how could they not. The odds of no other life ever coming into existence in all of the limitless solar systems out there, in the probably limitless number of undiscovered Universes in the multiverse, is ludicrous. So, why would a higher power care for us at all. Do we care for ants? False, bad example… Do we care for the individual cells that exist in everything that exists? No, we do not. We don’t have feelings for each individual living cell in each and every living thing, So, why would a god possibly care for us?

On some days that is my story, and I would argue it, but only on those days. On other days, I see other stories. I woke up this morning an agnostic, meaning, to me, there could be something out there, but if there is I don’t know if they have any relevance to us. A couple of days ago, I would have claimed atheism, how could there be anything higher than us? And finally, more often than not, I claim Christianity… in a way. On those days I see our God, I talk to him, and, here’s the punch line you were waiting for, I think he’s a total douche bag. HA! These are the few religions I jump back and forth from. Confusing? Agreed. I can’t keep track of what I believe in any better than I can keep track of what I want in my relationship,  or what Operating System I want to use, or what I want to eat. If I could pick one thing, know I want it, know I will always want it, and stick with it, I would be infinitely happier.

What is the point of all this? I want something to believe in. I like the Christian faith, it makes more sense than anything else, again, I don’t much care for religious people, I feel they are very annoying, but still, the faith itself as fine. I think they consciously choose to act like nut cases. I talked to a very good friend of mine, who happens to be the daughter of a preacher I believe. I think what I actually said was something along the lines of I don’t have a set belief, but I’m open to hearing ideas. She had an instant suggestion, she said she had just the book for me. (FYI, it was “The Case for Faith” by Lee Strobel) After I couple of weeks, which I thought she was using to get home and borrow the book, she brought me a copy and told me to keep it. (p.s. Not going to happen, I will get it back to her somehow, or pay her for it. I was mislead by the illusion that I was borrowing it, I feel bad taking things from people.) This was yesterday.

I have since, meaning this morning, already read 50 pages of the book, and I love it. I’m not too far into it, obviously, and I’m not going to say it’s going to answer every question I’ve ever had (actually I’ve already written on down and stuffed it inbetween the pages), but it is bringing up a lot of the points that I have a problem with in the religion. I won’t go into boring detail, but my point is I’m thinking differently already. Why is this relevant? Well, I’ve decided that I am easily persuaded into different ways of thinking. If I go home and talk to my family (all of them agnostics) I start to feel one way, but I can read something like this and talk to her and feel a completely different way about the existence of everything. It disturbs me a little bit, that my belief system is so weak that I can, with only a couple of words, be persuaded into believing something completely new. I don’t like it.

I want to change that, I still want to know what I want out of life, but I think the first step is knowing what I believe, and then sticking with it. That sounds like a good way to live to me. Now, if I have doubts I can’t do it, so any questions I have I want to get answered, but I really want a set belief system. You can probably tell from my writings that from day to day I believe different things and think completely different. I will go as far as to say In a couple of days, I can manage to change everything about myself without even trying. Example? Back at the end of January I was into freedom of software and developers, I was going to open source all of my applications and reveal everything I know and actually try and get involved in the community. I changed my mind on that one real quickly. By later that week, after writing the randomness that corresponds to that thought process, I decided not to GPL all of my code and to keep all of my stuff mine. At the moment I don’t want others taking my ideas, modifying them, selling them, and making money off my creativity. That just doesn’t seem right, but do you see how much my opinion changed in no time, and computers are my life. If I can changed everything I believe about them and their theory in a day, why can’t I change absolutely everything? I can, and it sickens me.

I guess what I am really trying to say is, after 19 years, I want to know who I am and I would like it to be semi-consistent from day to day. I want to be able to tell someone what I believe, and then still believe it two weeks down the road. I understand that after years I am going to change, but I don’t want it to flip around from one day to another. I want consistency in my brain. Anyone found that Reality Controller yet?

     The device in my head that I have chosen to call my “Reality Controller” is on the fritz. Meaning my reality shifts from one thing to another frequently causing excessive lapses in judgment and a lot of confusion. What am I talking about? I can’t make decisions. I don’t know what I want out of life. One minute I’m sure that I want one thing, then the next minute I’m completely sure that I want something entirely different. It doesn’t make a lot of sense at all. Me and my girlfriend (of only about 6 weeks) have been having a lot of problems. I know, it is way too early in that relationship to be doing that, but none the less, we are. We almost broke up over the weekend, a couple of times actually. However, all of a sudden Sunday, after spending a day talking about what we needed to do, we had one of our best days ever. Which confuses me even more. Now, when I was so sure that we were finished, I kinda want to keep her. It’s a messy situation. It doesn’t stop there though, that’s just my relationship story.

It is appearing in other aspects of my life as well. I find myself unable to make any real life altering decisions. I never know what I really want. I can’t even decide my to use as my primary operating system. I’m currently using Fedora, which is working well, but there are some kinks. I kind of want to switch back to Windows, but only when Fedora does something that pisses me off. Im checking out Ubuntu right now, and I also installed ReactOS (just to see how it was progressing really, don’t intend to use it any time soon). I can’t decide which is for me. It’s still the server I’m messing with, so I really want to go with a Linux kernel, Fedora is my long time favorite, but Ubuntu looks so appealing. And I’m still considering going the Arch route and just setting everything up myself. Ugh, I’ll get there eventually.

All of these decisions, from small to big, effect my life and I can’t decide what I want. Is it normal to not know what you want? I mean, shouldn’t I know what is best, and what I want to do for the rest of my life, and where I want to be? See… my reality controller is definitely busted. So, if you find a replacement lying around. Let me know please. In the mean time, I’m playing with Qemu trying to get some virtual machines up so I can just play with whatever distributions I want. Should be nice. (Also, jumping off the balcony seems good )

I went and looked at that house yesterday… It was practically in pieces. Someone did quite a number on this thing. They promised me that in a week it would look good as new, I’m not holding my breath. I went ahead and put a deposit on it (it was only $200 so no big loss), basically, just to see what it would look like fixed up. It’s so close to campus, and the perfect size, that I couldn’t see passing it up just for a few visual defects. Don’t get me wrong though… It’s a messy house. They need to do some serious cleaning. The yard is my responsibility. I’m going to throw some grass seed down, and put some flower beds up front. Just to make it look nice when you pull up. The rest is up to them. I’ve seen pictures from before it was destroyed, so, if they can get it looking like that again then I will be satisfied. I don’t know if they can do that in the week they promised, but we will see.

It also, for some strange reason, doesn’t come with a fridge or range, so I need to find some. I’m going to hit craigslist first I think, and then the scratch and dent store. This is becoming a much larger task than I had imagined, but I’ll get over it all. I’m sure it will be fine after everything is moved in and ready, but maybe I’m getting screwed. We will see All I know is, it is going to be very boring living there for a month while my brother is still in school. Not sure how I’m going to remedy that. Go out of my mind I guess. It’s only a month. I’ve done worse. The whole situation is frightening. Moving somewhere new, in to a questionable neighborhood, no one you know close by. And you have to sink every bit of savings that you have into the place. I’m ready for this though, what is the worst that can happen? It’s cheap, so at worst I lose a little money, have to back out, and all is lost. Eh… I guess that’s about as bad as it can get. So no worries. Sorry about the rant, have to vent somewhere.

Today, right after work, I am going to look at a rental house. I’ve been in the on campus apartments at University of Louisville for 6 months and I don’t want to be there all of next year. I found a house really close to campus and my job and it’s also really cheap (really too good to be true, I’m wondering what’s wrong with it. That’s why I’m taking a tour today). I was in an apartment for a year already before I went into on campus housing and I have to tell you… I don’t like them. Apartments are horrible things to live in, no loud music, no loud movies, no explosives. When I went into my search this time I was sure to only look at houses. No way am I getting involved with anything other than my own living space this time around. My brother is graduating high school this year, so he should be moving in with me in really early June I hope. He is also going into engineering… but I think, unlike me, he actually intends to be an engineer. BORING!

I’m stoked about actually getting to see this thing. If it looks half as good as the picture I am going to put a deposit on it immediately, I think. It’s rather large (1060 sq. ft. for two people is quite a bit of room) and, like I said, it’s right next to campus. I will literally be able to walk to class in the mornings. (I think Google maps said it was 0.7 miles from my classes lol, am I have a pretty nice bike) My only dilemma is getting all of my stuff from Cincinnati to here… I have a pickup, but that’s a lot of furniture and gas is $400 million a gallon. It’s going to be a couple of expensive trips, that’s for sure. It sucked moving it all from my apartment here back to Cinci when I went into the dorms. And I moved everything myself: dressers, tables, beds, couches, you name it… difficult because I’m a kripple. I really don’t want to do it again, but hopefully this is the end for a while, that would make me feel much better.

They kept me pretty busy at work today, so I didn’t really get anything done. I was trying to hook up this new wireless adapter I got (some usb edimax with a huge external antenna) to see if I could pick up that rogue wireless signal down the street (my EEE won’t grab it, my intel card in my Dell gets it alright though), but installing new hardware in Linux is a b*tch. So, that was a no go while I was working. I need a lot of free time to figure it out. Wish I was working on something fun

     Yesterday, I had stated how I was done with KreepyIndividual.com and was currently working on the new layout for KiPCs.com… False. I got more wrapped up in Kreepy Individual than I had intended. I started really looking at it and decided that I didn’t like how it was all square, so I made images to make the whole column look rounded. I like how it turned out (still needs a little work, my gimp skills aren’t phenominal). That got me looking a little more indepth into the code and I realized some of tags that I was using, <center> for instance, were far beyond deprecated. So, I ran my index.php page through the W3C XHTML Validator and I had something like 100 errors. Wow, that’s a problem.

     However, I trudged through it this morning and got my index page down to NONE! My homepage is now 100% XHTML and CSS valid. Which is good, I guess. Looking back, the time might have been better spent doing something else, like the KiPCs layout I was talking about, but it was entertaining anyway. The big green text that said VALIDATED made me feel a little better about my work. Now, I only have 20 or so more pages to do (which should honestly be a breeze now since the actual layout is validated and that’s where 80% of all the code comes from) and then I will have a fully valid site.

     My goal for today is to write my review of the His Dark Materials Trilogy, that I finished reading last week, and to write my long overdue review of the movie Jumper. I think my site is in dire need of some more content, as it seems to just be hopelessly floating. I would like it to, eventually, soar. I’ve got a few more articles to write, but if anyone has an ideas on some problems for me to solve, I’m more than open to suggestions. Some more tutorials never hurt. There is a place for that in the forums, actually. It’s hard to keep me on one project, can you tell? I desperately need to complete BitDestroyer before my brother throws some sort of hissy fit. I told him to stop complaining so much and just learn how to code so he could help me, but no… He would rather me do it. Well, that’s fine, but that also means it will get done on my schedule, and that doesn’t look promising since I already did the major outlining code of it, it’s just small, tedious work now and that’s usually when I get bored and the project never gets completed. So, good luck to you my beloved child, but you may not ever really exist. (False again, it is functional… kind of. You can connect and exist on the map, but there are no processes running nor do you have the ability to move or do anything. That counts as existing, right?)

     We will see what happens as the day moves forward. I do have some actual work to do, here, at my job, but after that I will get started on one of those reviews. I would like to see atleast one of them posted before 3pm.

     Isn’t the internet a scary thing? Most of my life is now virtual (lies! ha! But it is a dream). I want to document pretty much everything that I do (but I’m a lazy bum, so unlikely that this dream will ever see even a glimmer of the light at the end of the reality tunnel). So, I have set up this blog for the mundane stuff that can’t possibly be considered interesting enough for a randomness. This is just to document what I am up to on a daily (or not so daily, as it will become, trust me) basis. I will start with now.

     I am still working on a complete redesign of all of my sites. Kreepyindividual.com just saw it’s new template come to life. I officially installed all of my new code yesterday (still working out a few kinks) and almost everything seems to be functional. I don’t think I lost any content (a magnificent feat, that’s how you know that your modular site is really modular). I didn’t have to change any actual pages, just all the layout code, so I guess I coded it properly, that was the plan. I am now working on KiPCs.com, which is my business website for KreepyIndividual Personal Computer Systems and Kevin C. Kurtz Computers (the service side of things). Yes, I am an uber-geek; don’t make fun of me, it’s rude.

     So, that is today’s (and probably a lot more than just today) project. After that I would like to get the BitDestroyer site functional (kreepyindividual.com/bitdestroyer), it has some content now, but I need it to look good… It would also help if I eventually finished coding BitDestroyer I suppose… Definitely couldn’t hurt anything. It was coming along okay, but then I found myself a new lady friend and have been rather distracted for the last month (hence, not a single KI post in all of February), but I thought the new layout would kick it up a notch and I posted several new pages that I was withholding for the new event. (I think I will use this to post more personal stuff, I don’t like to talk about anything really personal in my randomnesses, the site was never meant for that, it was supposed to be a geek site… my personal life (or lack there of) should not be involved… much).

     I guess only time will tell if I actually use this or not, but either way, WordPress is some impressive software. I highly recommend checking it out if you are in need of a blogging package. I discovered this from fredart.com (the guy who owns MegaTokyo, my favorite online comic). He uses this as his blogger as well. Thought I would give it a shot.